a particle traveling through time

Hello friends and phantoms. Tonight has been rather...interesting? I've been a bad kid these past two weeks. I have not gone to my MGMT class. I screwed up on a paper, but I honestly cannot really think about that at this point. Lately I've been feeling this pressure inside of me that kind of slows me down in the sense that I'm slowly losing steam. However; this may just be the effects of exam time. As much as I want to get out, I have this constant urge that I should not, but at the same time I need to. None of what I am saying probably makes any sense to you, but it is making perfect sense to me at the time of writing. Bottom line is that I can't wait for this week to be over! Someone save me D:

the leap of faith

Hello. Today is Sunday, 1PM and I am still in bed. I really need to cut back on the alcohol a little bit. Anyhow, right now, I need to motivate myself to get out of bed, but my laptop is telling me that I should stay. So let's talk briefly about life. Just you and I. I could ask a cliché question such as "What is the purpose of life?" but I won't. Instead, I'm going to ask why we do the things we do to make ourselves feel happy, complete, etc. What motivates us to pursue the things that we pursue? Whether it is the small victories in life such as cleaning your room or finding a good parking spot at school, they make us feel good about ourselves. It gives us a sense of accomplishment; a feeling that we tend to take for granted. How about the big victories in life? Sometimes when people tell you to take things one step at a time, we tend to (or at least I do) take that a little too literally. Sometimes looking at the big picture is necessary to find what would truly satisfy yourself. Oftentimes with these big victories, the risk is large, and success is not guaranteed. Sometimes we need to take that leap of faith. For each of us, every challenge carries different weight. That dream job of yours is probably not the same as your friends'. What I'm getting at is that whether it is happiness or complacency we vie to attain, why would we just sit and dream about it when we could be working towards that goal? Dreams are only dreams until you make them a reality. Look at both the big and little pictures and don't forget about them.


Song of the dayyyy.
Bassnectar - Timestretch

c'est pas si loin

Listen. To. These. Lyrics.

sometimes

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going crazy. I've been wanting to be out. I've been wanting to be distracted. On days that I have my distractions, I feel great. I feel alive. On days that I am at home doing nothing, I feel an extremely strong urge to get out. Perhaps the last few weeks have marked the end of my long introverted phase. It's time to get out.

woes

Right now I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. I can't believe that I just let go of someone that meant a whole lot to me just because I felt like I wasn't feeling complete. It's kind of surreal now that I'm alone again. It's kind of strange why I do things like this or why I always regret a lot of the things I do. Why I tend to surround myself with negative energy and take it in like it's something good for me goes far beyond me. But I guess in the end, I am just an empty shell in the sea, being pushed around by the current. I have no control over myself or who I am as a person. I am simply me. I've never felt this bad about myself. I could almost pity myself. On the inside, my world is collapsing. All the things that I had so carefully designed and constructed over the last three years are now in utter decay. Despair. It is something I've never thought I'd truly understand, but because I am alone again, perhaps I am beginning to understand this as both a noun and a verb. Maybe I do make the right choices, even if I don't recognize it right away. Maybe I did make the right choice. I was not just thinking about myself. If I truly cared, then I would know that maybe I did what I did for the better because I was tired of lying to myself and tired of lying to her. I don't know if anyone is ever going to read this, nor do I care. I haven't made a single post in over two years. The last time I posted, I was happy for the most part, though I was sick. The song Awakening by Mae is a bitter reminder of what we used to be and could explain how I feel right now. I am not happy with what I've done today. If I could take it back, I would; just to hang on for at least one more moment. Today is gloomy outside, my room is in disrepair, and my heart is broken, I've made a mistake. Woe is me.

I'll Fly Away

Awakening - Mae

When I close my eyes to this paradox place
I'll fly away, far away from here
I'll get away and dream
Dream of you

When it's all said and done
And the night has come
I'll disappear, take flight on the wind of wishing you were here
Fading light, like a star whose life has been gone for years

And I'll fly
Fly across the sky
And I'll leave
I'll leave it all behind
If you'll be here
Here with me tonight
I'll be fine

Yesterday ended on a strange note. The beginning of the day was warm, though by the evening it had become cold and windy. Wednesday was the first time I was to see Timmy's new Si shell. I met up with Danny and Jasmine with Mike to find that Danny's car did not turn on. Of course something had to happen then! Timmy picked them up and we went to the yard, somewhere in Carson? After seeing his old car on its side, missing about 80% of its original parts and the new electron blue shell sitting on stands and jacks, it became cooler because the sun began to descend at a more rapid pace. After the light in the sky had almost completely gone, we decided to leave. The only problem was that because Danny's car had broken down, we had one too many people and had to squeeze 4 people into Timmy's exploder. For some reason, I gave Danny the keys to my car and he backed it out of the dirt lot. By the time had gotten back on asphalt, it sounded like he was messing with the gas pedal, because I could hear it idling erratically...and then Danny got out of my car. My idle was messed up again! Christian drove it with Danny riding shotgun to Krispy Kreme to his dead car. Everyone else left, leaving Mike, Danny, and I waiting for a tow truck to appear to pick up his car. Mike and I got Subway and ate it over my engine hood because it makes a nice table and keeps the food warm. The tow truck did not show up for about a half hour, but when it did, it was quickly determined that the alternator was dead. The car was lifted onto the bed of the truck and hauled off. That's when I decided to go home.

Today, I was on the verge of becoming sick because of the exposure to the sudden cold from yesterday. I took the day off from work and cleaned up my room.

Obstacles

This week has been rather stressful. Treading the borderline between a C and D, Physics is proving to be more of a problem than I had originally thought it to be. This weekend is geared more to studying the previous chapters and doing the new chapter's homework, as well as the three pages of Pre-calculus that was assigned to me today. Sunday is a work day, so not much work will be done on that day. I made it a point to make up the third Gateway for Pre-calculus on Monday with myself, so I'm hoping that I get around to studying for that as well.
Today, I've barely gotten a chance to rest. I've been busy since the moment I woke up this morning. Thursdays are always so busy.

the rest of this semester is the final push to improving my current grades.

At least I know what I have planned for the spring semester. I plan on taking Architecture 120, Math 190, and Speech 1 or 3. I've currently racked up 27 transferrable units not including this Fall semester.

I always feel that I'm always so troubled. I've noticed that I've become more and more easily stressed over the smallest things. My energy levels have dropped and I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe I'm finally losing it, but that'll have to wait until after this semester is through.
I've lost my train of thought and I don't even know what I'm writing anymore.

Wow Already!

What amazes me is how fast time has been passing these past few weeks. What amazes me even more is the weather. Honestly, I don't understand it at all. It's November, yet it's still hot. I can't wear my sweater all day. I can't wait for it to cool down a bit more. I'd become a lot more appreciative about the weather.

I haven't had much to say about anything lately, if you couldn't already tell. Life's been coming at me fast and I really don't know how to explain any of it. Maybe some day I will come up with it. I'm just trying to take it slowly, one day at a time. I always find myself looking forward to my weekends because they're always a lot of fun for me. I'm learning not to take my time spent for granted. It's a gradual process, but I think I'm starting to get the hang of it.

So what's on the agenda, you ask? Looks like home cookin', beach, winging it! I'm quite excited for this weekend. I also have three pages of Pre-calculus homework and a chapter's worth of Physics, but I have a lot of time to do it :D

:)

Right now I'm supposed to be studying for a Pre-Calculus exam, but I still have about three hours to study so I'm going to take the time to catch up with you all about what's been happening lately.

So thanks to Pauline, I have discovered extravagant long term parking around UCI which is about a mile and a half from her apartment. As a result, each time I decide to park there, bringing a set of wheels such as a skateboard is a must.

So how did last Friday go? I'm glad you asked.

So I've learned a few things other than the parking thing, which I've mentioned above. I learned that I need to take my own pillow. I've learned that the shuttles do not run on weekends. I learned that making food really isn't that hard and that I'm just lazy. I learned that Pauline is really good at air hockey. I learned that I need to re-learn how to skate. I learned that landing on Income Tax on the first dice roll in a game of Monopoly is certainly a bad omen for the rest of the game. Finally, I learned that bed head is a lot of fun.

I arrived at around 1PM on Friday and did not go home until 6:30PM the following day. Those hours spent there felt like a dream, almost. It feels like it has been a while since I could enjoy myself so much like that in a long time.

Walking around in a park in the middle of the night. Air hockey at 1AM. Board games. Sitting and talking about anything that comes to mind. I realized how much I missed the simple nothings of sitting around on a lazy day and talking.

About the pillow, I suppose that it was a little too big, leaving me unable to sleep due to the slight discomfort. After jumping in bed at 3AM, I did not sleep until 6:30 when the room started to become a little brighter after I took a corner of my blanket, folded it into a pillow and used that. I ended up getting a grand total of about 4 hours of sleep. My mom woke me up at around 8:30 by calling me, which I gladly answered...I fell asleep right after the call, only to be woken up again at 10:30 for the last time.

Sunday was my hell day, essentially. Work...not fun when tired!

By Monday, I was already wishing for the week to be over. The day was just like any normal Monday. Wake up. Go to Physics. Pass time until Architecture. Go to Architecture. Get out of Architecture. Go home.

It's interesting that my dad, a 19 years' architect, is trying to convince me to go into law. It must be some kind of warning. As a result, I'm going to be looking more into both fields to see what the benefits of both fields are.

I went with Rikio and Danny to the midnight release of Fable II, which Rikio wanted to buy. After finding at the gamestop that we went to at the Ghettoria was closed, we went to the one by El Camino and waited there for a half hour, only to find that we had to go to back to the Galleria one. Another half an hour passed and we were let inside to wait another half an hour before gamestop opened their doors. Rikio got the game and we got out and went home.

Half an hour later, I'm still typing this and I don't know why it took so long to write. Pre-calculus needs my attention so I'm going to get back to that now.

Physics is a love/hate relationship

So it's around 1AM and I'm studying for a physics exam at 9AM about Work, Forces, and Friction. Conservation of Energy is not a very fun concept to grasp with the whole Kinetic/Potential energy bull. By now, most people are sleeping, except Khiem, whom makes sporadic appearances on AIM. Never mind he just signed off. I'm only awake right now because I drank a cup of coffee and I'm feeling okay. In the back of my mind, I'm dreading the near future of today. I must wake up at 8AM to be at class by 9. I will most likely be able to leave early, so I'll take that time to head over to the library to study for a Pre-Calculus gateway exam. I hate those exams with the passion of a thousand burning suns and their mothers. After taking the gateway and being assigned a retarded workload of homework for that class, it'll come time for me to go to work from 5-10:15. I enjoy closing shifts on this day because I can have a bento waiting for me on Friday morning, waiting to be warmed up. However, tomorrow, I am dreading such a thing because I will most likely be pretty tired. I don't particularly enjoy working while I'm low on energy and I'm sure that I speak for many others as well. Once I am through with work, the glory will have arrived: well earned rest time. I plan to wake up at a late 9AM to go shopping some, fill up the gas tank, do whatever else I need to do that might come to mind while I'm doing these activities, and make the 45 mile trek to Irvine to beat Pauline at Monopoly.

Monopoly. Yes. The board game. We have an active bet for a single game of Monopoly. Loser must jump into the swimming pool there fully clothed. Sounds like fun (Only if it turns out to be a retarded warm day again, that is). So I won't be losing this event. Food making will be in order and there will be fire, death, knives, and vegetables.

Parking for UCI is most enjoyful when the close parking only allows you a pathetic 60 minutes of permit time. However, it has been established that there is more long term parking (up to something like 3 days? It's some rediculous amount of parking time) about 1.75 miles away. Danny is supplying me with a skateboard and my plan is to skate over. I do hope I don't forget anything in my car this time. So, to sum this weekend up, I have homework, Monopoly, studying, and work in mind.

Physics has me on a leash right now and I've been given the confidence of several supportive (and not so supportive :P) friends that I'll do just FINE.

That is the sort of confidence that treads in dangerous waters. Not to be overconfident, I remain awake, still on a coffee boost, attempting to study.

Alrighty, I'm going back to studying. Wish me luck for the exams because I'll need it!

And I should probably make a post about Knotts Scary Farm from 10/10/2008. It was quite a fun time :O


New music:

Unearth - "The March"
Haste the Day - "Dreamer"
Slipknot - "Self Titled"
Slipknot - "Iowa"
All That Remains - "Overcome"
Papa Roach - "Infest"
Papa Roach - "Getting Away With Murder"
(Yeah getting all my old music back if you hadn't noticed!)
Myproof - "Shining Stardust"
Myproof - "The Sky of Destiny"
Bleeding Through - "The Truth"
Bleeding Through - "Declaration"
RSP - "DICE"
Supe - "2nd Place To None"
Whitechapel - "This is Exile"
Whitechapel - "The Somatic Defilement"
Killwhitneydead - "Nothing Less, Nothing More"

Wow that's a lot since the last post of new music, actually.