a particle traveling through time

Hello friends and phantoms. Tonight has been rather...interesting? I've been a bad kid these past two weeks. I have not gone to my MGMT class. I screwed up on a paper, but I honestly cannot really think about that at this point. Lately I've been feeling this pressure inside of me that kind of slows me down in the sense that I'm slowly losing steam. However; this may just be the effects of exam time. As much as I want to get out, I have this constant urge that I should not, but at the same time I need to. None of what I am saying probably makes any sense to you, but it is making perfect sense to me at the time of writing. Bottom line is that I can't wait for this week to be over! Someone save me D:

the leap of faith

Hello. Today is Sunday, 1PM and I am still in bed. I really need to cut back on the alcohol a little bit. Anyhow, right now, I need to motivate myself to get out of bed, but my laptop is telling me that I should stay. So let's talk briefly about life. Just you and I. I could ask a cliché question such as "What is the purpose of life?" but I won't. Instead, I'm going to ask why we do the things we do to make ourselves feel happy, complete, etc. What motivates us to pursue the things that we pursue? Whether it is the small victories in life such as cleaning your room or finding a good parking spot at school, they make us feel good about ourselves. It gives us a sense of accomplishment; a feeling that we tend to take for granted. How about the big victories in life? Sometimes when people tell you to take things one step at a time, we tend to (or at least I do) take that a little too literally. Sometimes looking at the big picture is necessary to find what would truly satisfy yourself. Oftentimes with these big victories, the risk is large, and success is not guaranteed. Sometimes we need to take that leap of faith. For each of us, every challenge carries different weight. That dream job of yours is probably not the same as your friends'. What I'm getting at is that whether it is happiness or complacency we vie to attain, why would we just sit and dream about it when we could be working towards that goal? Dreams are only dreams until you make them a reality. Look at both the big and little pictures and don't forget about them.


Song of the dayyyy.
Bassnectar - Timestretch

c'est pas si loin

Listen. To. These. Lyrics.

sometimes

Sometimes I just feel like I'm going crazy. I've been wanting to be out. I've been wanting to be distracted. On days that I have my distractions, I feel great. I feel alive. On days that I am at home doing nothing, I feel an extremely strong urge to get out. Perhaps the last few weeks have marked the end of my long introverted phase. It's time to get out.

woes

Right now I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. I can't believe that I just let go of someone that meant a whole lot to me just because I felt like I wasn't feeling complete. It's kind of surreal now that I'm alone again. It's kind of strange why I do things like this or why I always regret a lot of the things I do. Why I tend to surround myself with negative energy and take it in like it's something good for me goes far beyond me. But I guess in the end, I am just an empty shell in the sea, being pushed around by the current. I have no control over myself or who I am as a person. I am simply me. I've never felt this bad about myself. I could almost pity myself. On the inside, my world is collapsing. All the things that I had so carefully designed and constructed over the last three years are now in utter decay. Despair. It is something I've never thought I'd truly understand, but because I am alone again, perhaps I am beginning to understand this as both a noun and a verb. Maybe I do make the right choices, even if I don't recognize it right away. Maybe I did make the right choice. I was not just thinking about myself. If I truly cared, then I would know that maybe I did what I did for the better because I was tired of lying to myself and tired of lying to her. I don't know if anyone is ever going to read this, nor do I care. I haven't made a single post in over two years. The last time I posted, I was happy for the most part, though I was sick. The song Awakening by Mae is a bitter reminder of what we used to be and could explain how I feel right now. I am not happy with what I've done today. If I could take it back, I would; just to hang on for at least one more moment. Today is gloomy outside, my room is in disrepair, and my heart is broken, I've made a mistake. Woe is me.