woes

Right now I'm absolutely disgusted with myself. I can't believe that I just let go of someone that meant a whole lot to me just because I felt like I wasn't feeling complete. It's kind of surreal now that I'm alone again. It's kind of strange why I do things like this or why I always regret a lot of the things I do. Why I tend to surround myself with negative energy and take it in like it's something good for me goes far beyond me. But I guess in the end, I am just an empty shell in the sea, being pushed around by the current. I have no control over myself or who I am as a person. I am simply me. I've never felt this bad about myself. I could almost pity myself. On the inside, my world is collapsing. All the things that I had so carefully designed and constructed over the last three years are now in utter decay. Despair. It is something I've never thought I'd truly understand, but because I am alone again, perhaps I am beginning to understand this as both a noun and a verb. Maybe I do make the right choices, even if I don't recognize it right away. Maybe I did make the right choice. I was not just thinking about myself. If I truly cared, then I would know that maybe I did what I did for the better because I was tired of lying to myself and tired of lying to her. I don't know if anyone is ever going to read this, nor do I care. I haven't made a single post in over two years. The last time I posted, I was happy for the most part, though I was sick. The song Awakening by Mae is a bitter reminder of what we used to be and could explain how I feel right now. I am not happy with what I've done today. If I could take it back, I would; just to hang on for at least one more moment. Today is gloomy outside, my room is in disrepair, and my heart is broken, I've made a mistake. Woe is me.